New Section: Borderline Personality Disorder
After 3.5 years in a dysfunctional relationship, with what I thought was a Covert Narcissist, something just wasn't adding up. A lot of the time, this person was actually very kind, thoughtful, sincere, and extremely apologetic and because of these positive traits, I stayed, and just waited for the next episode of him spiraling out of control. Finally, I could take no more, broke up with him, and tried to pinpoint what it was and a friend who was very familiar with the traumatic experience sent me a video on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People with BPD may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.
People with BPD also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly. Other signs or symptoms may include:
"If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes, and revives. It doesn't diminish. It isn't cruel and it doesn't ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you." ~heysigmund.com
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Links (* excellent starters)
- *8 Stages of a Toxic Romance with a BPD Man / Lise Leblanc - In this video, Lise Leblanc talks about the 8 destructive stages of a relationship with a man with untreated BPD. She also explains 5 distinctions between males and females with BPD.
- *10 Obsessive Things People with Borderline Personality Disorder Do / Lise Leblanc - In this video, Lise talks about 10 obsessive tendencies that are common in individuals with BPD, keeping in mind that not everyone with BPD will experience these things in the same ways.
- **10 Ways to Cope with the Borderline Rollercoaster - Individuals with BPD switch back and forth from love to hate at the drop of a dime. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) refers to this as “alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.” This is one of the most confusing symptoms for loved ones to cope with. In this video, Lise Leblanc explains the borderline love-hate rollercoaster and 10 things that can help you survive the incredibly painful lows. In my personal opinion, I say RUN.
- BPD Boredom and Emptiness - Many of Dr. Daniel Fox's clients report the experience of boredom that is intertwined with sadness, depression, and most of all emptiness. In this video he sorts this out and gives you some tips on how to lessen and control that boredom.
- *BPD in Men / Dr. Kim Sage - Jail time, substance abuse and treatment for anger are often what we see in men with BPD, while women with BPD who are in treatment have a very different experience. These are all things my ex-boyfriend dealt with...in fact...I went to pick him up from jail and the police officer at the front of the jail said, "This isn't the movies...you don't just pick someone up." What an experience! This video explores what BPD looks like in men, and why understanding the difference matters so much.
- *Controlling BPD Mentdowns and Acting Out - Controlling BPD meltdowns and acting out is one of the greatest challenges to having BPD. Urges often lead to engaging in maladaptive patterns, and one of Dr. Fox's main objectives is to help to identify these urges and manage them. Not an easy task, but also not impossible – though it may feel that way sometimes.
- Cultivating Healthy Relationships with BPD and Other Personality Disorders - Dr. Fox examines the 5 foundational components that make a good relationship that includes: Open communication, Listening and feeling heard, Working through disagreements, Talk openly about emotional and physical desires, and Trust – self and other.
- *Dating Someone with BPD - Individuals Lisa Leblanc explains that individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often encounter unpredictable emotional fluctuations and other symptoms that contribute to turbulent relationships. This video aims to explain five essential insights to enhance your understanding and guide you through the complexities of being involved in a romantic relationship with a partner who has BPD.
- The Heart of BPD-Getting Down to the Core of it All - The things that drive you to engage in your beliefs, behaviors, and patterns are what makes up your core content and Dr. Fox identifies it in this video, and discusses what makes it so hard to change.
- How PBD Affects Your Relationships - In this video, Dr. Daniel Fox explores the truth about how Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) affects relationships. He explores the emotional development of a relationship from the personal timeline all the way to relationship past and present.
- Steps for Self or Loved Ones to Lessen BPD Episodes (aggression, anger, outbursts) - This video is going to help you help yourself or a loved one defuse and lessen the anxiety, anger, outburst and reactions associated with BPD episodes. Diffusing this situation is not a one and done deal, but something you can learn and do when needed.
- *What You Need to Know about Paranoia, Paranoid Personality Disorder, and BPD - Paranoia (and delusion) have been found to be a prevalent aspect of BPD. PPD can co-occur in those with BPD. This video will examine this paranoia and PPD aspects, as it relates to BPD and how to manage it!
- *What You Need To Know When Dating Someone With BPD - Individuals with BPD often experience volatile changes in their emotions as well as other symptoms that can lead to stormy relationships, especially romantic ones. In this video, Lise Leblanc explains 5 key things to help you understand and navigate a romantic relationship with a borderline partner.
Narcissists / Toxic Romantic Relationships
When you have to Google someone's bad behavior to figure out what's going on, that's a problem! Once I did, I realized this person was a full blown Covert Narcissist. I was with him for only a few months yet it felt like an eternity. With this emotionally abusive man, I was robbed of all of my energy and self esteem yet I took the abuse because I "understood" and "cared" so much that it robbed me of my sense of self. Although horribly painful, I am grateful for the experience because I realized I was basically dating my mother and was used to the abuse and have vowed to never go through such trauma ever again.
- 8 Reasons the Narcissist will Dump You / RC Blakes. In this session Reverend Blakes discusses eight key reasons why the narcissist will discard of his victim first. Very eye opening as all were spot on after my final discard.
- 11 Relationship Red Flags and Why We Ignore Them / Sharon Martin. (article)
- 15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship (article) / heysigmund.com. Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship.
- Toxic Relationships. Love vs Addiction / Ace Metaphor. Many people don't realise (me included) that allowing behaviour is also a contributing factor. It's painful to admit we played ourselves by allowing things happen.
- Breakups Don't Have to Leave you Broken / Gary Lewandowski /TedXNavesink. Dr. Gary Lewandowski, Jr., professor of psychology at Monmouth University, makes the case that if your relationship doesn’t help you become a better person, ending it does. Leaving a bad relationship provides an opportunity for growth and learning.
- Broke People Break People / Ace Metaphor. This is definitely one of my favorites...a bit raw...but so spot on.
- Can A Narcissist Change? Here is What Has to Happen / SurvivingNarcissism.com. Often the answer is no, it's not going to happen. But sometimes conviction comes upon that person and change is possible, though not easy. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter outlines what needs to happen if a narcissist decides that he or she is ready for a better path in life.
- DARVO Explained. Holding narcissists Accountable: the DARVO method / Dr. Ramani. If you have never experienced DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender). You can never understand the torment of being in such a dynamic, let alone understanding all the traumas caused by the morbid tactics of narcissistic abuse across levels, especially in intimate relationships.
- Divorcing and Healing from a Narcissist - Emotional and Narcissist Abuse Recovery (book) / Dr. Theresa Covert. A life changing book for anyone trapped in an unhealthy marriage or relationship. Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage or relationship and teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died from a divorce or breakup.
- *Don't Trust His Words. Don't Trust His Actions. TRUST HIS PATTERNS! / Derrick Jaxn. This is the golden key to unlock the vault of suffering. Not only look for his pattern, look at your pattern in selecting men. You'll find out that all your failed relationships are a like. The reason we miss the red flags is because we as codependents believe we can abracadabra the man into what we want them to be, therefore we don't want to see the flags. Hell it can be a blazing fire but we get so caught up in the illusion (fantasy) of what it could be in our head we dont even notice.
- Ending Narcissistic Relationships & Overthinking / Lisa A. Romano. A narcissist is someone who wants you to worry about what you think about them. The codependent narcissist relationship is exhausting. When you learn to gain control over obsessive thoughts and worries about others, we must learn to become comfortable with becoming uncomfortable. Learning to love yourself means we must gain control over our obsessive need to cater to the needs of others.
- Fantasy Bond: Loving the Person You Hope They'll Become / Vivian McGrath. One of the hardest things about leaving an abusive relationship was grieving the loss of the fantasy relationship I had in my head. The perfect man I thought my ex would one day become. It took a lot to finally admit to myself - I'd been waiting and hoping for man who didn't exist.
- Grieving Fantasy Bonds and Fantasy Relationships / Alan Robarge. On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach, talks about fantasy bonds and fantasy relationships. The origin for both comes from our mind’s ability to internalize relationships, which means we are in relationship with the idea of the relationship.
- H. G. Tudor - Reflections from an actual narcissist on how to learn exactly what they do and how to stay away.
- He's Not Going to Change - Wake Up! / Alan Robarge. On this video, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, shares directly something many of us need to hear from time to time, "He's not changing." This is not gender specific.
- How to Get Over an Ex and Move On / Lisa A. Romano. If you want to attract a loving relationship, be prepared for the unhealthy one you have now to fall apart.
- How to Handle a Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopath with Dr Ramani Durvasula / Health Hackers. In this episode, psychologist and author of ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Narcissistic Relationship,’ Dr. Ramani Durvasula, discusses: -how to spot a narcissist -what to do if you are in a relationship with one -the reason a narcissist cheats -the difference between a narcissist, sociopath and psychopath and more.
- How to Identify a Toxic Man / Stephanie Lyn Coaching.
- How to Know Your Relationship is Wrong / Trent Shelton.
- How to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You / Mel Robbins. How do you know if the thing you’re holding on to is something you should keep fighting for or if it’s time to let go?
- How to Stop Hurting Your Partner / Jimmy on Relationships. Your going to hurt your partner. But what you do after your partner or spouse tells you that they are hurting will make or break your relationship together. Avoiding conflict doesn't work. Dismissing their feelings never leads to closeness. Making excuses, defending yourself, telling them they are crazy only leads to worse distance and disconnection.
- Identity Theft — When the Narcissist or Psychopath Mirrors You / Inner Integration with Meredith Miller. The pathology of the emotional manipulator's tendency is to imitate other people. Both the act of imitating the target but also the tendency to steal and copy your ideas are the driving force of pathological envy.
- The Key Signs that a Relationship Won't Last / Esther Perel. On this episode of Impact Theory, Tom Bilyeu is joined by Psychotherapist, New York Times Bestselling Author, and host of the emotionally raw and tell-all podcasts ’How’s Work?’ and ‘Where Should We Begin?’ Esther Perel to discuss such matters and more as they explore the pitfalls you need to be on the lookout for that might be killing your relationships, connections, or marriage.
- Kiss it Goodbye / Joel Osteen. In this message, Joel encourages you to let go of the old hurts, disappointments, and failures.
- Love After Narcissistic Abuse – The Right Time To Start Dating Again / Melanie Tonia Evans. After narcissistic abuse, naturally, you may feel terrified about putting yourself out there – and why wouldn’t you? There is no way KNOWN any of us ever want to run the risk of being with another narcissist.
- Narcissists Grooming Victim Tools/Love Bombing leads to Trauma Bonds / Lisa A. Romano. Narcissists groom their victims through a series of manipulative tactics. Love bombing is a narcissists grooming tool which eventually leads to forming trauma bonds. Trauma bonds make it extremely difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship. Trauma bonds are a biological attachments to the narcissistic person.
- Narcissist Mirroring / Vivian McGrath. Narcissist mirroring is so manipulative they fool you into loving them. They study you, then put on the perfect mask that mirrors your desires and dreams. They become the fantasy partner, but it's YOU you've fallen in love with!
- Never Settle When it Comes to Your Happiness / Ace Metaphor. This one especially hit home. DO NOT settle for anything or anyone ever just to avoid being alone.
- No Contact with Narcissists and Toxic People / RoyalWe. NO CONTACT is important. This may take weeks, months or even years. The longer you live in this place of ABUSE, you become the one who stirs up conflict... Going “no contact” is showing that you will not have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments anymore.
- Overt vs. Covert Narcissists / Inner Integration with Meredith Miller. People often ask about the differences between different types of narcissists. In this video Meredith compares the overt narcissist with the covert narcissist. You'll find out what each archetype is like, how they do love-bombing and devaluation, how they hoover, how they (do not) apologize and how they do the smear campaign.
- Parenting with a Toxic Partner (book) / Renee Swanson. Do you worry for their physical safety? Emotional safety? Mental and psychological safety? Do your kids hide when the other parent is around? Are they afraid of that parent? Have you watched in horror as your child’s feelings are trampled into the ground? Have you felt that biting pain that you are losing your own child to anger, depression, and fear? Have you stood helpless and hopeless, all alone with nowhere to turn? You are NOT alone!! It is time to fight for your kids.
- Psychopath Free (book) / Jackson MacKenzie. From the author of Whole Again comes a significantly expanded edition of Psychopath Free containing new chapters, updated content, and real survivor experiences that will help you recover from emotionally abusive relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic people.
- Real Narcissists - The Early Warning Signs / Dr. Craig Malkin. In this video, Dr. Malkin explains what drives extreme narcissism and the telling ways that are always present in narcissists, whether they're quiet and self-effacing or loud and insulting.
- Rethinking Narcissism - The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists (book) / Dr. Craig Malkin. When most of us hear the word narcissism or narcissist, we envision vain, preening, braggarts who can’t stop talking about themselves. But most of the time, we’ve got it wrong; many narcissists aren’t driven by looks,fame, or money—some may even be shy or soft spoken. The startling truth is we’ve been distracted by an empty stereotype that blinds us to far more reliable signs of danger—and an entire generation is suffering because of it.
- Signs that He's a Narcissist / Derrick Jaxn. DJ and this post is one of my favorite because it is brief. To the point. And it's a no-holds barred approach to saying it like it is.
- Stockholm Syndrome AKA Trauma Bonding In Narcissistic Abuse / Inner Integration with Meredith Miller. This video explains the 4 criteria that create Stockholm Syndrome (trauma bonding) and how this applies to narcissistic abuse. It explains why it's so hard to leave and break free from the abuser and the denial even when you're aware of what's happening.
- The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse / Debbie Mizra. This is one of the most comprehensive and helpful book on the topic of covert narcissism. This type of narcissism is one of the most damaging forms because the abuse is so hidden and so insidious. You can be in a relationship that can last for decades and not realize you are being psychologically and emotionally controlled, manipulated, and abused.
- The Truth about Narcissism / Ace Metaphor. From one of the comments, this couldn't be more true: "My heart aches for anyone who has crashed head-on with a narcissist. It's painful and it seems as though you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel. Love is beautiful but remember, Love is never suppose to hurt you physically nor emotionally to where it's abusing your soul." ~T.G.
- The Undercover Narcissist - Covert Narcissists / RC Blakes.
- These Are The Signs You're Dating A Narcissist / DoctorRamani.
- *They Were Not the Love of Your Life - Let Them Go! - Stephanie Lynn Coaching This is the tough love you need to hear, and I understand that it's difficult to accept (I've been there), but they were not the one. They just weren't!
- Three Steps To End All Toxic Relationships / Royal We
- Toxic Relationships: How to Let Go When it is UNHAPPILY Ever After / heysigmund.com. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay. People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching. LET GO OF THE FANTASY!
- Understanding Ad-Hominem Mind Game Arguments Involving Narcissists / EmpathPlanet.com. "I have lost hours, days, possibly even months of my life that I will never get back due to having conversations with narcissists that end with a mindf*ck. Every time this has happened I’ve noticed how my energy is drained, my blood has to pump harder to replace the leak and my brain spins and hurts."
- What Causes Codependency / 7 Root Causes / Lisa A. Romano. Codependency is described as a loss of selfhood. If you are codependent, you may find control by way of taking care of others. You may cater to the needs of those who refuse to take care of themselves and lose yourself in the process, to toxic relationships.
- What makes the COVERT Narcissist So Dangerous! How to Spot One and Protect Yourself! / Stephanie Lyn Coaching
- What you MUST do to LEAVE an Emotionally Abusive Relationship | Stephanie Lyn Coaching
- When a Man Truly Loves You, He Will Do This / Jay Shetty & Stephan Labossiere. Thoughts are exchanged about the importance of emotional maturity and how it greatly helps couples resolve misunderstandings, the reasons most relationships are dubbed challenging and difficult, understanding what a love cycle is and how emotionally damaging it is, and healing your trauma and working on yourself first are the first steps to attracting the right partner.
- When He Says, "You're Too Good for Me" / Derrick Jaxn. This is one of the funniest I've seen but so very true! Believe him when he tells you you're too good for him because...YOU ARE! Best believe this is probably the only honest thing he will ever say to you.
- When He Shows You Who They Are - SHOW THEM THE DOOR! / Derrick Jaxn. Don't think you are going to be able to motivate him to change. He won't.
- When You Feel Like a Crazy Codependent With No Self Control/Reprogramming the Subconscious Mind / Lisa A. Romano. When you feel like a crazy codependent with no self control you live in a state of reactivity. We can feel like a crazy codependent when we lack self-control, emotional regulations, and do not know how to express our true emotions. Living with a narcissist who stonewalls and gaslights you can push you over the edge and especially when you do not know you are codependent.
- When You Unmask a Covert Narcissist, RUN, But Quietly! / Ross Rosenberg. With almost 1.6 million views, this is a must see. Ross explains the very complicated and dangerous undertaking of protecting yourself when you uncover/unmask a covert narcissist and the dysfunctional relationship they trick you into. Because of their manipulative nature and the fact that they are often respected and even adored by others, taking them on directly is big mistake.
- Why Do We Become Obsessed with the Narcissist After They’ve Discarded Us? / Ali Zeck. Because you feel like you’ve been abandoned by a parent, that’s how deep the wound is that needs healing in you, and you are essentially a wounded child wandering the earth looking for someone to love you.
- Why is it Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism / Sandy Hotchkiss and James F. Masterson, M.S.
- You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse: The #1 System for Recovering from Toxic Relationships (book) / Melanie Tonia Evans. Narcissistic abuse was originally defined as a specific form of emotional abuse of children by narcissistic parents, but more recently, the term has been applied more broadly to refer to any abuse by a narcissist, in particular adult-to-adult relationships the abuse may be mental, physical, financial, spiritual or sexual.